These are some of the men who have their live during our deployment and after. I don’t know how to say it but their death at times put fear in my heart and made me realize everything very serious. For some reason when dealing with my emotions when faced with threats I would laugh or smile when inside I was scared. It’s hard to explain but when a gunner got his head ripped off from an EFP and then knowing I was task with the same job going out on the same routes put a knot in my chest. Yes on a night mission about 8-9 months into our deployment we got hit by an EFP on the left side in between the trucks. Placed on the road side it happen to be or go off upside down as it blew a huge hole in the ground and hit our trucks with the concussion and shrapnel. The only thing I remember is the radios going off with chatter from the base a mile or two down the road. Asking and saying they thought it was incoming rockets because of how loud the explosion was. Yes 240mm rockets had everyone on our base scared, jumpy and flinching at every loud sound. As the enemy would multiple multiple times would launch in rockets early in the morning waking us up to tents being blown up and killing multiple soldiers. Not to mention killing us even years later as we begin to understand the damage that’s has been done through toxic exposure that weakened our immune system’s, destroyed our DNA and cause wide spread inflammation throughout the body and in our brains. The things burnt by burnpits, explosions from rockets and just the dust in the air inside and outside our tents. Then not to mention the poor diets, u healthy water in bpa bottles left out in the hot sun at times. The energy drinks known to cause dehydration and heart problems. The cigarettes and dip known to cause cancer. It’s unbelievable to me at times now in the future that any of use participated and allowed this lifestyle choices to even be acceptable or encouraged. O yea don’t forget the leadership abuse, where you start to hate being around each other because the leadership just gets a kick out of the entertainment of making the privates fight each other on stones after being on missions and warn out. All of that on top of enemy threat and trauma it’s a recipe for disaster of deaths both physically and mentally. And yes I might have cheated physical death but I still considered my self dead from that experience. I died inside my mind and heart. For ever changed and lost to find a new self. The saddest thing is when you regret still having legs and arms because when ever someone looks at you after coming home from deployments automatically presume that you are good you are capable of accomplishing things. I was never lazy and never expected anything to be handed to me. I was working at the age of 12 shoveling snowy driveways and delivering news papers on my bike. So I understand what it means to be strong and responsible. But after coming home from deployment and feeling like no one cared enough to ask or listen to what I was dealing with physically and emotionally really took a toll on me. Then shortly after coming home soldiers continued to die and then the 2009 Fort Hood terrorist attack shooting over 40 people and soldiers on post middle of the day, family at home on post and the loud siren goes off locking the whole base down and blacked out unable to contact or see family for hours. O yea don’t forget a lot of are being prescribed multiple meds and a lot of soldiers had drinking and drug problems too. The thrive to seek pleasure because of the hidden pains. Only caused a bigger self inflicted trauma and problems. So a lot of got kicked out for poor behavior, inability to physically perform during training or test and all probably should have been medically discharged considering all the symptoms from all the exposure line up to the poor behavior. Yes a legitimate excuse wether you understand or accept it. Does it make it out? No but responsibility does need to be on the shoulders of leadership failure. I lost my strength, my mind, my goals, my hope, my family, my child, my wife, my friends, my belongings, my security and stability. The worst part is the credit system, family, friends, other veterans all expect you to help yourself and fix things. The difficult part to explain is when you are unable to comprehend things, unable to focus anymore, and extremely depressed, you tend to give up caring about anything and everything. So at that point I was starting to have thoughts of hurting people and then thoughts of guilt and blame to them hurt myself and I ended up attempting suicide twice. Once by drinking myself to near death, waking up choking on my puke unable to breathe, another time by overdose on pain pills causing me to end up in hospital having to consume charcoal. At the time I just wanted it all to end. The pain the judgment the expectations and more. The only thing is, it made the suffering even worse and now I suffer everyday to this day. An emotional and physical rollercoaster of symptoms hourly, daily. The only positive thing of it all is it got my health to the point I had no choice but to sober up from everything but that has now left me with no quick bandaid to manage pain. No I spend most of my time reflecting, talking to myself, tracking nutrition and pain, journaling, find relief through alternative methods like hot/cold showers, ice packs and head pads, fasting, supplements, and more. It has taken my years to set new goals and find new purpose. Yes I still have nightmares and yes almost everything sets me off on an emotional rollercoaster. The biggest thing for me is I refuse to accept when I went through and I want those responsible to admit guilt and offer assistance or solutions no matter how unreasonable or realistic that is.