Alright fuckers, get some whiskey, grab a cigar, sit the fuck down, and shut the fuck up. I have a story to tell about how Smoke & Bacon Media ended up on a watch list with Apple and Google in less than 30 minutes after the original launch . That’s right you knuckleheads, picture this. You just launched an offensive shirt company in early September 2018 and good old Mark Zuckerburg decides he hasn’t sucked enough dick with his butthole that week. So he’s all pissed off and comes across your business page where you just maybe happen to have a shirt that has his face superimposed over Hitler's body for $19.99. First, he laughs then slams the ban hammer on you shutting down your entire business including the associated groups that were growing at over 1k users a day. Yes, this butt monkey has essentially crushed your ability to run a business online and you’re a dumbass because you only have fuckbook as your audience. What does one do? You break out your best whiskey, get drunk, and smoke some bacon on your grill as a snack (That’s a hint for you slow bitches reading this). The rest of the night is a blur and when you wake up the next afternoon you have apparently had a stroke of genius while trashed and started building your own network. So, you get the message out to your followers however you can and even register #fuckthezuck. That’s a story for a different time. Email, gorilla marketing any way you can to get the message out that we will never be shut down again and we are building our own platform called “Smoke & Bacon Uncensored”. Hey at the time it sounded like an awesome name. Little did we know what we were in for. Sponge bob narrator voice “1 month later” We are ready to launch, the websites are up, the app is built, and hundreds of users are expected to join within the first hour you determine that launch day is October 15. Record screech: side note apple and Google know everything about you when you set up an app on their platforms including your phone numbers, addresses, emails, etc. Back to the story at hand. It's 7 pm EST on October 15th, you launch this app you have bleed developing and you’re watching the downloads, and it's fucking magical, like the first time you see a real pair of tits in person magical. The download numbers are coming in faster than a fat chick can down an all-you-can-eat buffet. You pass the 1k download mark, the 2k download mark, and the 3k mark, in minutes. You’re jumping up and down like a retard excited about ice cream. Then it happens, your phone rings, and you answer” What’s up fuckers!” thinking it is one of your buddies calling to congratulate you. Boy were you wrong, it's Apple, specifically the compliance department. You hear them speak and you can’t believe your ears, you hang up and pull the backend of your app cause what they told you can’t be right, you just don’t believe it. It’s indescribable, and I think to this day butt monkey zuckerfuck had something to do with it. . . Dicks, dicks everywhere, dicks in posts, live dick videos, people humping washers, curved dicks, short dicks, diseased dicks, people jerking off, people slapping other people with their dicks. The absolute horror show of dicks, dicks EVERYWHERE, Dick over here, dick over there, everywhere a dick, dick. Apparently “uncensored” somehow translated to pull your dick out and wipe it all over the app, I shit you not there was a live going on with a guy manically giggling while jerking off and staring into the camera. I’ve seen a lot of shit but that still haunts me and the team to this day. 🤬🤬🤬 Apple ordered us to shut down the app and get a hand on all the dicks, no pun intended. Both them and Google had never seen so many dicks in the first 30 minutes of an app launch. I believe we still hold the Dick-to-post ratio record. I mean I thought I was going to have to offer phycological services to the team, some of them were twitching like, PTSD twitching there we so many dicks! DICKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS There were over 2k dick photos/videos uploaded in under thirty minutes and one extremely scared washing machine. Yes, there was a man who was humping the washing machine on a live, cheeks clapping and all 😦😦😦 So needless to say, we ended up on a watch list with Apple and Google, had to improve safeguards, and had to prevent that from happening again. It took a year and a half to get off that watch list. So now you know why October 15th every year is a company holiday here at Smoke & Bacon, why we reference “no black Octobers” and why dicks are only allowed in the Fuckstick community. Keep it in your pants you fucking delinquents, oh and some of you need to go see a doctor cause that shit doesn’t look right!!